The 2009 Dustins

With the 2009 Oscars having just wrapped up, it’s only fair that the world be exposed to a heavily-biased, illogical, inaccurate and incomplete review of the things that 2008 brought us. And everyone knows that when you think of heavily-biased, illogical, inaccurate and incomplete reviews, you think of Dustin Heveron. I don’t have a garish opening song and dance number, an Australian accent, or the tendency to openly weep during my acceptance speeches…so I think that already makes my awards show better than its gilded-statuette-loving predecessor.

And now, on with the show.

+Best Picture+
Why does The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences make you sit through three hours of bad jokes, awkward celebrity interactions and lame commercials when all you really care about is the final four awards given? Because they can, that’s why. And it makes them a lot of money to do it that way. On the other hand, since we at the Academy of Dustin Heverons & Dustin-Lovers have no such revenue to worry about, we can just blow our wad right out of the gate (crass metaphors are a great way to get your point across while simultaneously alienating your readership. And they said LA hadn’t taught me anything). That said, the nominees for Best Picture are:
-Iron Man
-Wanted
-The Dark Knight
-Wall•E
-Quantum of Solace

…And the Dustin goes to…

[dramatic pause, cut to some chicks looking anxious]

…THE DARK KNIGHT!
There’s no question that ’08 gave us some heavy hitters, and while I loved all the above movies, The Dark Knight kicked all their asses (both literally and figuratively). The acting was top-notch, the effects were awesome without being intrusive, and the story was compelling enough to keep you interested for well-past the typical 90-minute length of your average superhero movie. The director should find whoever talked him into keeping the “epilepsy vision” gadget Batman uses at the end of the film and have Chrstian Bale shoot him execution-style at the Terminator: Salvation premiere this summer (and those of you who’ve heard his now-infamous youtube clip know he’s capable of doing all that and more if you get him angry), but other than that, I really have no complaints about this movie. It’s great. This past year was the first where the “superhero movie” truly solidified its spot as a bankable genre unto itself, so it’s only fitting that a superhero movie take home the year’s top award. As someone who’s been pretending to be a superhero since he was old enough to fall off the living room coffee table with a blanket tied around his neck, it makes the über-nerd side of me extra extra giddy to see my favorite heroes getting the big-budget treatment they deserve; however, it makes the non-über-nerd side of me…wait a second, I just remembered, there is no non-über-nerd side of me. So everyone’s happy. Moving on.

+Best Actress+
For this award, let’s keep in mind that “best” really just translates into “hottest” or “actress whose bed I would most like to find myself handcuffed to.” However, it’s hard to engrave all of that onto the base of a handheld gold trophy, so we’ll stick with “best” for now. And the nominees are:
-Rachel Bilson
-Kristen Kreuk
-The Olsen Twins (mostly Ashley)
-Hayden Panettiere
-Cameron Diaz

…And the Dustin goes to…

[not very dramatic pause, camera cuts between the five (six?) visibly uncomfortable nominees…many of whom can be seen mouthing the words “dear God, I hope it’s not me” to themselves]

…RACHEL BILSON!
Dude, she’s so hot you guys. Seriously, this is always a pretty competitive category, and this year was no exception. In the end, the winner was chosen via process of elimination more than anything else. Cameron Diaz (age 36) is getting kind of old and played out, Hayden Panettiere (age 19) is a bit too young for my liking (haha, yeah right! But I have to say that kind of thing or else people judge me), and Ashley Olsen won’t return my calls (or texts or emails or myspaces or smoke signals or bomb threats). That leaves Kristen Kreuk and Rachel Bilson. Originally the esteemed honor was going to go Ms. Kreuk, but when I googled her (wink!) about 47 seconds ago I found out that she is Canadian! And while that kind of thing doesn’t really matter in the big picture, in a contest this close, every little factor counts. Also, Rachel Bilson lives in Los Angeles, which means technically there’s a better chance that we could run into each other and she would pity-makeout with me. Hey, stupider things have happened in LA.

+Best Actor+
Typically the award for the continent’s awesomest dude who has the most kickass fighting moves, makes me laugh the hardest, or who just encompasses the epitome of badassness with wicked cool style and sensibility, this year’s nominees are:
-Brad Pitt
-Bugs Bunny
-Edward Norton
-Philip Seymour Hoffman
-Jim Carrey

…And the Dustin goes to…

[captivated silence as we slowly zoom in on Edward Norton’s closed eyes…then right at the last second…HIS EYES SHOOT OPEN AND THEY’RE GLOWING GREEN! AHHH!! Then we cut to black, implying a sequel. …Ooo, I just got chills, didn’t you?]

…DUSTIN HEVERON!
In a surprising (unsurprising) turn of events, Dustin Heveron wins the Dustin for Best Actor for an unprecedented 25th year in a row! All those actors kick ass, but come on, you really think I’m gonna give my award for favorite anything to someone else if I’m at all eligible? Get real. Mad props to those gentlemen, since they’re probably my top five favorite non-me actors, but I think I really deserved this award year, and I’m glad to see that The Academy did the right thing here in honoring me for the 25th consecutive time. But oh my, listen to me prattle on when I have so many people to thank. Ahem. First off, I’d like to thank me. There’s no way I could have achieved this level of awesomeness without myself. I was always there to support myself through the hard times, and it really paid off. I’d also like to thank Jesus for spending a weekend in Hell so that we can rock out in Heaven (aka life’s afterparty) once I’m done rocking out on Earth. And finally, I’d like to thank myself again, because apparently no one else is going to do it. Seriously, good job, me. Don’t be afraid to congratulate/hug me next time you see me.

+Best Duo of New Zealand Musical Entertainers Playing Loosely Caricaturized Versions of Themselves on a Popular HBO Sitcom+
Always one of the most hotly-contested awards The Academy hands out each year, this year’s nominees are:
-Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, of Flight of the Conchords

…And the Dustin goes to…?

[…slightly confused pause as presenter scans rest of card and envelope, then checks the back of the envelope as well to make sure that they didn’t miss any additional nominee names written on the back or something]

…Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie. I guess.
After so many years of not having anyone to give this award to, it’s nice to finally be able to have a pair of entertainers who fit this category. And for realsies, if you haven’t seen any Flight of the Conchords stuff before, do yourself a favor and break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, quit your job, disown your family, buy enough food to last you for several weeks, and lock yourself in your house/apartment and watch their show and listen to their music plus whatever else of theirs you can find on youtube, and don’t leave until you can quote it all verbatim, complete with your best New Zealand accent. Your life won’t be complete until you do.

+Best Re-Release of an Album with a Song Referencing Twilight on it+
No time for preamble here, because it’s too vital that I command you to GO AND BUY HOUSE OF HEROES’ NEW ALBUM, THE END IS NOT THE END!!! In stores, online, at a show — it doesn’t matter how you get access to this album (as long as you’re shelling out some $$$ for it…these guys aren’t your standard corporate sellout band and they’re not getting nine-figure checks from The Man every week (I’m looking at you, Jonas Bros.), they need your support to keep making the modern era’s greatest music), but trust me when I say that you will not be able to forgive yourself if you waste even one second before buying this album. These guys are like Queen for generation teXt, and they literally have something for everyone on their album — without being the broad, simple, depth-less crap you primarily hear on the radio. I seriously can’t endorse these guys enough, and if that’s not plenty of motivation, in July of ’09 I’ll be starting a nationwide tour where I go door-to-door to every single home in America and personally teabag anyone who hasn’t purchased this album by then. Go ahead, call my bluff…I dare you.

And the last (and definitely least) award for the evening,

+Best Time for Dustin to Go to Sleep+
A largely debated award, the Academy seems to rarely unanimously agree on who the winner should be, which always makes for good water-cooler conversation the day after the awards. This year’s nominees are:
-Before 11pm
-Anytime after 10 o’clock
-1:39am
-Whenever he damn well feels like it
-Between 1am-3am

…And the Dustin goes to…

[long, drawn-out pause…and then the pause continues…for too long. More pause. Slowly the music fades, the lights go out and there is silence as Dustin has fallen asleep before the award can be revealed. Oh well, I guess this one will just have to remain a surprise until next year. Don’t wanna wake the big guy…he looks so peaceful when he sleeps, and let’s be honest, it’s the only time you can get him to shut up for a change. Yeesh. Have a great night folks, and be sure to tip your bartenders.
Much love,
Dustin]

[fade to black]

That Time of the Month

...For a brand new Dustin-Blog!  You want a life update? Fine, here it is. Work, headshots, cleanse, fun, sun, gym, sleep. There. There’s your damn life update.

Now onto the important stuff!

I’ve taken a lot of Cosmo and GQ quizzes lately (nevermind why) and I’ve decided that there should be more quizzes about my life. Here’s one to get you started. This is all a precursor to having someone do a monthly magazine that is solely about me and what I like (if Oprah can do it, then so can I).

Quiz #1: How to tell if you’re married to Dustin Heveron

1 — Are you married to Dustin Heveron?
a) yes, I’m wearing his ring right now.
b) I might be, he jokingly proposed to me at some point.
c) no, I find him utterly repulsive.

2 — Have you and Dustin ever been in a facebook relationship?
a) yes, we were facebook-married/engaged and had a great facebook honeymoon.
b) yes, but we only got as far as facebook-engaged, we never facebook-tied-the-knot.
c) no, I would never knowingly associate myself with Dustin, and people who fabricate facebook relationships should be shot, execution style.

3 — Has Dustin ever publicly admitted to having some sort of crush on you?
a) yes, every single time I see him he’s going on about how cute our kids would be or some nonsense.
b) kind of; I think I overheard him practicing asking me out in the bathroom once.
c) yes, and several restraining orders later, he hasn’t stopped publicly declaring it.

4 — How many mix CDs has Dustin made you, and what were the themes?
a) 20 or more; mostly they were compilations of 80’s rock ballads.
b) 10-20; but they were primarily intended to be mixes for some road trip we took.
c) 10 or fewer; all of them were mindless, catchy pop-punk covers of already famous songs.

5 — Has Dustin ever written you a song and then poorly performed it for you?
a) yes, constantly! Neither a birthday nor national holiday goes by without another four-chord monstrosity of his attacking my ears.
b) yes, but it generally just referenced the TV show Trading Spaces and/or ultimate frisbee.
c) yes, but it was so out of tune and poorly-mumbled that I couldn’t really understand any of it.

6 — Have you ever appeared on national television with Dustin?
a) not yet, but he keeps saying he wants to rent some commercial ad space to tell the world we’re together.
b) only once, during a song montage, but only because my producer told me I had to.
c) only as a special guest on Dateline to help catch him.

7 — What do you think of Dustin’s physique?
a) him? Let’s just hope he’s funny or something.
b) he kind of has a Calista Flockhart meets Hilary Swank thing going on.
c) his skin looks like it was draped loosely over his skeleton, then someone used one of those infomercial “suck the air out of the bag to save space” products to pull it as tight to his body as physically possible.

8 — Describe Dustin’s fashion savvy and sense of style:
a) eh, I’ve seen worse. I guess everyone goes through a high school “tight fit, bright colors” phase…I just thought his would’ve ended after he graduated…college.
b) I just don’t look directly at him when I’m hungover, and we get by ok.
c) I haven’t seen someone with that much neon-orange apparel who wasn’t doing time in the California State Penitentiary.

9 — What’s the first thing you think when you make plans to hang out with Dustin?
a) if we stay in well lit, public places, he wouldn’t put any “moves” on me…would he?
b) I should be ok as long as I call my co-host, Ty Pennington, to come with us.
c) oh, great. Looks like I’ll need to watch my drink all night.

10 — Where do you see Dustin in five years?
a) with me in our decently-priced apartment/condo by the beach in West LA.
b) probably asking me to borrow money that he doesn’t intend to pay back.
c) in the California State Penitentiary for violation of restraining orders and sexual harassment.


…Ok, everyone have your answers written down? Good, here’s the key to find out whether or not you’re married to Dustin Heveron.

If you answered mostly A’s:
You and Dustin are definitely married, or should be. Please be a hot chick with an open mind about boundaries.

If you answered mostly B’s:
You and Dustin aren’t married, you’re just part of the general masses that enjoy his company. Or you’re Paige Davis, host of TV’s Trading Spaces.

If you answered mostly C’s:
You and Dustin are definitely NOT married, and you probably go out of your way to avoid Dustin at any cost. This category also encompasses every girl Dustin’s liked since age 14.

See what I did there? Played the hilarity card for most of the quiz, and then BAM, hit you with a sad emotional truth so it wouldn’t seem so sad in context? Classic. Oh God, I need my therapist (Dr. Jack Daniels, PhD). Which brings me to my next idea for a great bumper-sticker to adorn the back of my ’07 Ford Focus SE. It would say:

“Jesus is my therapist.”

Or maybe:

“My BAC is higher than your honor student’s GPA. Still wanna tailgate me?”

Get it? It’s funny ‘cause it’s true! And because I can’t afford a real therapist. And because going to therapy is like admitting you lost at life. Well guess what, life? I WIN this round! See you in overtime, sucka!

And on that note, I bid you adieu for now…hopefully it won’t be a full month before I see your smiling faces again.

Seacrest out!
Dustin