Monday, December 31, 2007

Myth: Confirmed

So it’s the last day of the year — in the Eastern Time Zone we’re only a handful of hours away from kicking 2007 to the curb, and replacing it with the younger, hotter 2008. I will do my usual celebratory practice of getting inebriated to the point where I forget most (if not all) of my own personal information, and then proceed to make wildly fanciful claims about my life and/or the people in my life (such as: “I love you guys more than indoor plumbing,” “I am going to climb Mount Everest,” “I invented open-heart surgery,” etc.). I can, however, say that today is shaping up to be a great end to a great year. I had lunch with a longtime friend, played football for a couple of hours in actual sunshine (rare in Ohio this time of year), I’m about to go to a great jazz show at church headlined by some of Columbus’ best musicians, followed by the latest Coen Brothers’ movie (No Country for Old Men), and of course I’m capping it all off with my trademark all-night partying. Throw in a MythBusters marathon to fill in the gaps, and you’ve got the formula for a pretty kick ass day.

There’s not much update content to this post (I’m still jobless, but not homeless or friendless, so two out of three isn’t bad), it’s really just more of a chance for me to give an official “thank you,” to everyone who has made my year (and my life) as amazingly awesome as it has been. You are all incredible, wonderful people, and I wouldn’t trade the friendships and relationships I’ve had here for anything. I pray that you all keep in touch, and I thank you for the endless grace and love you’ve shown me over the years. I probably don’t tell you guys how much I love you often enough, and I figure if I tell you at 5pm it’ll sound far more sincere than if you get a call from me saying the same thing at midnight. God bless all of you, I love you very much and wish nothing but the best for you in the pending year. Everyone be safe tonight, and have a great time ringing in 2008!

Much love,

P.S. After years of research, the myth that I have kick ass friends and that God has truly blessed me has been officially: CONFIRMED. Props to you guys for making it all possible.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The Final Fortnight

Merry Belated Christmas to all of you illegal-music-downloading web-dwellers,

It’s the Thursday after Christmas — two weeks till I say bye to the 614 and hello to higher gas prices —at about 1500 hours Eastern Standard Time in Upper Arlington, Ohio, and at the moment I’m splitting my time and attention between SportsCenter, some leftover pizza and The Muppets Take Manhattan on DVD (the only Muppet film that I can’t quote at least 75% of and the foundation for the less-entertaining ‘80s spinoff animated series, Muppet Babies).
It’s the kind of day that has me thinking about life, love, and how I really feel about interspecies marriage (for the record, I think I’m ok with it, though I question whether pig/frog progeny is really a good idea), and anytime there’s that much thinking going on, it usually results in a blog for the DHeveron Reader Faithful (which is apparently just the Jasons K. and F., thanks guys, it’s good to know someone’s out there). But enough about you, let’s talk about me.

-Home is Where the Heart Is-
First up on my list of new info is that I officially have a place to live in LA, with people I know, to boot. Much thanks to everyone who offered their home or couch to me out west as a place to crash, but it is my pleasure to officially decline your offers since I’ll be sleeping in my own bed, in my own place out there. If you’re feeling extra stalker-prone, you can see a nice satellite view of my future abode right here. It’s nothing extravagant, and it’s a little more inland than I’d choose to live on my own, but it’s with folks I know and the price is unbeatable, even by Ohio standards. Feel free to drop by and visit me anytime (SkyBus, hint hint).

-iPhone is Where the Heart Is-
After a few weeks of iPhone ownership (iPhonership?), I’m delighted to say that I have no complaints with it aside from not making the switch in June and the inability to send picture-texts (though truthfully I have very little use for that feature in the first place). Battery life is tremendous, better than any mobile phone I’ve ever had, everything functions properly all the time (a nice change from my crash-prone BlackBerry), the sync system is unprecedented in sophistication and ease-of-use, and sometimes, late at night, I can hear the iPhone whispering sweet nothings to me in my sleep. But I’m sure that’s normal.

-Work is Where the Heart Is-
I need a job. With the other details pretty much locked up (housing, route for the trip, etc.), the one thing hanging over my head is what I should do for work out west. Being the perpetually indecisive fellow that I am, I don’t even know what genre of work I even want to try for, let alone where I actually want to apply. Should I use some of my “real world” work experience and try for another 9-5 job in the interim? Should I head back to the actor-stereotypical world of waiting tables and tending bar? How much do you think I could get working LA street corners as a lady of the night? These are questions that I should probably have answers to at some point before I pour the whole of my savings into this move.

-Damon’s is Where the Party Is-
After a random polling of my friends, I’ve finally settled on some details for a Getting-Rid-Of party in honor of myself and my departure. As most things are with me, this is all very last minute and low-key, but I’m gonna start spreading the word amongst my circle of comrades (and you’re welcome to spread it as well, I want this info to be as contagious as herpes, and twice as fun) that on Friday, January 4th, 2008, at around 1700 hours until probably 2300 hours (that’s 5pm-11pm, EST), I’m going to be at the Damon’s at Mill Run in Hilliard, downing Coronas and nachos for several hours. During this time I want to see literally as many of you as possible, since it will likely be my last public appearance in Ohio for a good long while. Now I know this is earlier than a lot of you do your “partying” typically, but I wanted something close enough to happy hour that my former work colleagues at Mills James and UALC could all swing by and buy me a round (or chip in to the gas fund :) and then the rest of you can show up later and we’ll all go out to the Arena District after Damon’s kicks us out or something. More details on that to come, watch your facebook/email/myspace for something from me.

-Military Time is Where the Heart Is-
If you ever find yourself intentionally unemployed, but still want to feel good about yourself for sitting around all day in your Superman footie PJ’s watching Nickelodeon’s Legends of the Hidden Temple reruns and drinking expired eggnog from a Tupperware bowl, you should try using Military Time in your day-to-day interactions. It won’t help you get more done, but it might make you sound like less of a bum when you try to explain to your friends why you’re waking up at noon every day.

-Heart is Where the Heart Is-
Look, I’m just gonna put it out there: Ma-Ti (the South American representative given the “Heart” ring on Captain Planet and The Planeteers) totally got the shaft. The rest of The Planeteers got control of cool elements such as (in order of coolness): Fire, Earth, Water, and Wind. While the function of those other rings is pretty obvious (fire controls fire, wind controls wind, etc.), the Heart ring didn’t really have a standard “cool” use — unless you count talking to howler monkeys with your mind as “cool.” I don’t. Even the chant to summon Captain Planet sounds like the Heart element was an afterthought; “Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! …Heart?” Now even though Ma-Ti was easily the least cool character of the five Planeteers, I still didn’t think it was fair that his power should be so lame…but then as I was thinking about it some more (I’m working on a sequel to the popular Dr. Suess tome called “Oh the Thinks You Can Think…When You’re Unemployed.” It’s gonna be big), I realized that love him or hate him, Ma-Ti is part of the team, and he’s not going anywhere. His power might not be as cool as the others; he himself might not be as cool as the others, but at the end of the day, there’s something to be said for a good person who will just listen to you and share their heart with you. As I prepare to move to LA — a city overrun with needlessly-flashy, shallow hotheads like Wheeler (fire ring), stubborn A-holes like Kwame (earth ring), ignorant hippie doormats like Gi (water ring), and alcoholic, fake-blonde party-girls like Linka (wind ring, and she was Russian, so it goes without saying that she was a heavy drinker) — it seems likely that the Ma-Ti’s of the world will be worth their weight in South American gold, and that the value of Heart will finally be apparent…assuming I can put up with the smell of howler monkey.

And on that note, fanboys and girls, I bid you adieu. Look for a new blog before ’07 is spent, and I hope to see everyone on the 4th!

Much love,

Thursday, December 13, 2007

28 Days Prior

Not just the title of my can’t-miss, coming-of-age screenplay about a young zombie’s foray into the world of competitive ice-dancing, it also happens to be exactly 28 days prior to my exodus out west. And with 1/11 right around the corner, I find myself with plenty of new info to share with y’all, so sit back, take a sip of your Chai Tea Latte (they taste like Christmas), and prepare to have more Dustin thrown at you than is legally allowed in some states (I’m talking to you, Iowa).

Well boys and girls, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve spoken to the internet, so I’m dedicating most of today to (in order):
+Writing a new blog
+Responding to ignored emails
+Commenting back to everyone I’ve neglected on facebook/myspace
+Setting up some sort of group or event to get people my new phone #
+Uploading pictures from the wedding, etc.
+Potential Party-Planning
+And much, much more!
I hope you realize how much I go through just to make you guys happy! Now, on to the blog!

-AAA Commercial-
For starters, I want to say thanks to everyone for being awesomely supportive of my most recent faux-acting endeavor. For those of you who don’t know, I was recently featured in a national commercial for AAA (the Auto Club) as Chris Kringle’s teenage son, Zak Kringle. The commercial was an entirely improvised shoot (shot in September) where they pretty much just put me in a beard and a costume and said “go.” A couple of hours later, they had enough material to cut a duo of 30 second TV spots together, and apparently enough extra footage to launch — a website featuring videos, games, pictures, etc. based on the character that I created. Check it out if you have a free second, and keep my residuals coming. And though it’s a supposedly national commercial, I think it’s only running in places where winter driving happens, so apologies to my Cali brothers and sisters who will probably miss this rare gem (luckily I’ve linked to this commercial like mad, so you can still get the full experience! God bless narcissism!)

-Zak in Real Life-
And speaking of superfluous material, the people at the ad agency for whom I portrayed Zak Kringle thought it would be cool to give Zak facebook and myspace accounts, as well as a blog — which you can find respectively at:
Now even though I went a little self-promotion crazy when the ZK stuff first went to air, it’s important for me to stress that the person/people behind Zak on facebook, myspace, youtube, etc. is/are NOT ME. So while I fully encourage you to friend them and check out the material for a good laugh, it’s important that you don’t leave them overly-personal comments like, “Hey dude, remember that one time we almost got caught sneaking heroin into the country from Mexico?” or anything else that you wouldn’t want a perfect stranger to know about you or me. Because remember the First Rule of Logic and Reason: if it looks like me and talks like me, it’s me — except on the internet.

-As Nick Swardson Would Say…-
Party. If I had a nickel for every person who’s suggested to me that I throw some kind of going-away bash/fundraiser/party/event, I’d have enough money to throw a party/event/bash/fundraiser. Suffice it to say, I’m actually considering the idea, but I need you internet-dwellers to help get me past a couple of hurdles first.

+For starters, where? I’m not the captain of the football team or anything popular, but none of the places I live or have lived are big enough for me to open the doors to everyone I’d want to invite. So where’s a good place to host upwards of 100 people on a Friday night or something?

+Second, when’s a good time to schedule it? If I go pre-Christmas/New Year’s, will most people be too busy to attend? Or if I go after, will people be too partied-out to attend?

+Third, theme. Should there be some sort of theme to the gathering (the “ugly Christmas-sweaters” theme is being done to death this year, by the way), or is kicking me out of town reason enough?

+Lastly, is it tacky to put out a tip jar at your own party? Having recently left my job has put a real damper on my income, but would anyone actually toss in a buck or two to the “Ditch Dustin” fund, or should I just sell lemonade instead?

I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers. Now get to it.

-I Phone, You Phone, We All Phone for iPhone-
You’ve heard me beg. You’ve heard me whine. You’ve heard me plead on deaf ears. Well I’m hear to tell you, my cries for justice have been satiated, because earlier this week, I purchased an iPhone that I intend to love, cherish and honor till death do us part. So far, I love it, but I’ll try to keep you guys updated on the pros and cons of iPhoning in case you’re on the fence about whether or not to drop 500 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers on buying one. Also, as I briefly mentioned above, I have a new number (for reasons that are too long and boring to discuss here, I decided to leave my old number in Ohio), and if you want this brand spankin’ new number, be sure to hit me up on here or via email for it or something.

-Housing Projects-
When I last wrote, I had zero (0) places to live in LA, CA. But I’m happy to report that as of this writing, I have two and a half (2.5) potential living situations that are all very do-able, with very do-able people. Since I know you’re all riddled with suspense, I’ll break these options down for you:
~Opt. 1) Getting a place with my buddy AC (an actual person, not an air conditioner) on the “nicer side” of USC’s campus.
~Opt. 2) Living with the fine fellows of Manhattan Beach until Sharvin kicks me out.
~Opt. 3) Living rent-free in one of my uncle’s beach houses in San Clemente till I find a place of my own…this would be option 1 except for San Clemente is about two hours south of LA, and since that makes it about a 17-hour commute with traffic, I’d rather not.

-It’s a Whole Chicken/Egg Situation-
The subtitle of this part is actually a reference to me getting a job (Flight of the Conchords faithful should get the joke), specifically the fact that I don’t have one lined up out West…and that I’m not 100% sure that I want to line one up before I go. Now, as you all should know by now, I’m not a worrier in general…but if there’s any aspect of my move that has me nervous, it’s my employment status post-move. I’ve decided that I’m not going to apply for a job till either I know for sure where I’ll be living in LA, or until I actually move out there and get settled first. This plan is probably a bad idea for a couple of reasons: January is a notoriously slow economic season due to the mass-spending everyone does at Christmas, and since every original show in LA is about to go dark because of the latest failed Writer/Studio strike negotiations, there will be lots of extra competition for the jobs that are available. So like I said, I’m not worried, just mildly nervous. Any suggestions, prayers, positive encouragement, or job offers would be welcome.

-Going to The Chapel, and We’re Gonna…Be Groomsmen-
Last weekend marked the penultimate wedding of 2007 for me, and the last one where I’m a member of the wedding party. I’ve spent more money on tuxedo rental than I have on healthcare this past year, and though I’ve had a blast at each and every ceremony (congrats to Tony/Molly, Isaac/Melanie, Phil/Sarah, Joe/Sarah, Emily/Steven, Paul/Katie, and the dozens of others that I’m forgetting) I will be glad when the final “I Do” of ’07 is uttered next weekend (pre-congrats to Allie/Bobby). Anyway, the moral of this paragraph is simple: if you’re a recent grad (I’m looking at you, Meredith), do yourself a favor and get a frequent flyer membership at After Hours Tuxes or David’s Bridal (or wherever it is that bridesmaids’ dresses come from) NOW, because it wasn’t too long ago that I laughed in the face of an associate who tried to sell me on a FREE membership where I’d receive a free rental for every $500 I spent. “Ha,” I thought, “When am I ever going to spend $500 or more on tuxes in a year?!” Now, after almost $1,000 of tuxedo-laden good times, methinks he’s the one doing the laughing.

Well gang, there you have it. That’s my two cents for the time being, feel free to add your two cents as well via comments or texts or emails or whatever…and if we have enough of them, maybe we can all chip in and buy a cup of coffee or something. And in an effort to make these things less long, wordy, and boring, I’ll try to give shorter, more concise updates in the coming four weeks. God bless anyone with the fortitude to read this far who isn’t related to me.

Much love,

Friday, November 23, 2007

One Month Update

Greetings to everyone, Internet Dustin here to give you the skinny (information) on The Skinny (me).

It's been exactly one month since I made the official "I'm Moving Out West" Announcement and clogged all of your email inboxes and facebook profiles with pleas for help, money, work, and the like. Last time when I wrote you, I didn't have a place to live, a job, or a roommate. Well, I'm happy to announce that as of today, I don't have a place to live, a job, or a roommate. Now, that might not sound like "progress" in the traditional sense of the word (i.e. accomplishing anything), but that's where you're right. Where you're wrong, however, is in assuming that things aren't actually going very well re: the transition out to the Left Coast. But as Reading Rainbow alum Lavar Burton was fond of saying, "don't take my word for it! Remember when I was on Star Trek?" So in that spirit, here are some outside examples of the positives thus far (with more to follow):

+Met with an ad agency VP who saw some of my work and wants to hook me up with his agent/casting director/manager/standup-comic buddies in LA.

+Found some very decent potential places to live that are in nice parts of town but still fall within my price range.

+Have some solid leads on jobs that I can do whilst I'm waiting in the approximately 5-year-long line to get into the entertainment industry.

+Continue to save money at an almost impossible rate (in ten days I only spent $18. Period. Impressed?) to make the cross-country trek.

+Have my mighty circle of connections hard at work trying to help me hammer out the details — you guys rock.

+Met with an industry-insider WGA writer who's working with me to shape my plan of attack to get into the biz.

+Am still going out with my friends way too much, and drinking heavily...maybe that's not actually a positive...

+And much more!

So there you have at, I'm just barely above SOL on this whole thing, but that's already better than most people do with this kind of dream, so I'll take it. If you need more details, feel free to hit me up via cell/email/facebook/myspace/whatever. I should have more for you soon, but the next couple weeks I'll be focused on finishing up work out here at the production studio, visiting everyone who's in town before I leave, doing extended-family Christmas in Michigan, and trying desperately not to botch up my friend's wedding that I'm in.


Monday, October 22, 2007

Dearly Departed Dustin

To all:

The phrase, I believe, is “pipe dream.”

pipe dream –noun.
1) Any fantastic notion, vain hope, or wildly irrational endeavor: Ex. – Her plans for a movie career are just a pipe dream.

2) A fantastic but vain hope (from fantasies induced by the opium pipe)

While I can assure you that I have no history with “the opium pipe,” I am elated to finally be able to announce to the masses (that’s you) that I have finally begun the process of pursuing my own irrational flight of fancy.

Warning: This long and self-indulgent message is going to be very…well, long and self-indulgent. If you don’t have ten to fifteen minutes to waste on it, or you’re one of those people who was like, nice to me out of courtesy, but never really liked me because I was too obnoxious…like, maybe we smiled and said “hi” in the hallways and all that, but ultimately, hearing all about my life and plans would be pretty annoying to you; then please, feel free to delete this email or navigate away from the website you’re reading this from and go about your day as you normally would. No hard feelings. …Well, maybe some hard feelings. Jerk.

The Premise:
Anyone who’s ever had a conversation with me that lasted longer than three minutes knows any or all of the following facts about my life: A) that I was born in California, B) that I have a fairly strong background in the performing arts, C) that I have a borderline-unhealthy need to be the center of attention, and D) that I was tricked into moving to Ohio in my early teens by an elaborate time-share pyramid scheme. But what does any of that have to do with my so-called pipe dream? Well, after many years spent living in Ohio (Birthplace of Aviation, Deathplace of Competent Driving and Decent Speed Limits…I shouldn’t be forced to drive 40mph on a highway, ever), I have decided to move back to southern California to pursue a career in the entertainment business. Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “But Dustin, I’ve seen your work, and really, you’re not all that talented. Why risk a life of poverty and failure for you, your children, and your children’s children, just so you can appease your own selfish whims?” …And actually, that’s a pretty good point…but I’ve already sent this out, so I guess it’s too late to back down now, isn’t it? Maybe that’s something you could bring to my attention a little earlier next time, ok?

A Day That Will Live in Infamy:
The not-so-tentative date of my departure from Columbus, Ohio, to Los Angeles, California (which, loosely translated, means, “The Angels, Rich-People”) is January 11th, 2008. That might seem like a randomly-drawn-out-of-a-hat kind of day at first glance, but it’s actually the result of a pretty complex formula consisting of:
Dec. 7th (Jared’s birthday)
Dec. 8th (Joe & Sarah’s wedding, which I’m in)
Dec. 11th (Road Trip)
Dec. 16th (Jared returns home, extended family Christmas activities)
Dec. 23rd - 26th (Jesus days)
Dec. 30th - Jan. 2nd (New Year’s/BAC-Achievement days)
Jan. 2nd – Jan. 7th (Bowl Championship Series)
Jan. 10th (Mom’s birthday)
So there you have it; bright and early on the morning of Jan. 11th, 2008, I will pile as many of my belongings as can fit into my 2007 Ford Focus (hey, if Mike Rowe says to buy a Ford, that’s good enough for me) and begin the approximately 2,246.21 mile journey to LA. Feel free to mark your calendars now and set aside that date as a day of weeping, gnashing of teeth, and general grieving over my departure.

This Program Made Possible With Support From Viewers Like You:
Now, you may be surprised to learn that a 2007 Ford Focus SE — while incredibly roomy and a delight to drive — isn’t big enough to hold things such as a bed, a dresser, most of my life-sized N’Sync cardboard cutouts, etc. In addition, I should point out that I am lacking all of the following out on the Left Coast: a job, a place to live, potential roommates, a general sense of direction, and a decent place to go thrifting (because there’s a greater-than-average chance that for the first time in my life, I will legitimately need to purchase my clothing from the thrift store — instead of just doing it to be “wicked awesome” like I am out here). That’s where YOU come in. I’m asking any and all of my friends/family/acquaintances/former employers/teachers/classmates to pick one or more of the following ways to help me.

Please go through this list and circle the option(s) that best describe(s) you and/or your ability to aid me:

-I know a person/persons who will employ someone with no experience and a questionable work ethic like yourself.

-I have and/or know of a reasonably-priced and/or free place where you can live (no Compton locations, please)

-I know/am someone who isn’t a serial killer that needs/wants a roommate.

-I have “connections” in some facet of the entertainment business that would be useful to someone looking to begin a career in acting/writing.
(mafia connections are frowned upon, but still accepted)

-I have a large pile of money and nothing better to do with it than to give some to you in order to help you get settled out west.

-I can get you a cheap bed/dresser, that may or may not be disease-free and clear of germs.
(germ and disease-free preferred)

-I know a free way to get you out of your contract with Sprint so that you can switch to AT&T and buy an iPhone.

-I have some other, helpful sort of service/aid/connection not listed here that I’d like you to be aware of.

-I can’t help with any of the above, but I support you fully with your endeavors, and at the very least would like to give you a hug/handshake and wish you well. And also, I think you’re a very attractive man, and your rugged good looks have always, and will always, inspire me to achieve greatness in my own life. And on the incredibly off chance that you ever “make it,” I fully intend to mooch off of you as much as possible, even though I didn’t help you in your time of need.

The Final Countdown:
So that’s it, I hope you found these 1,072 words helpful in catching up on my life, and I hope that you all know how very valuable our relationship during my time here has been to me. Please let’s keep in touch — or, failing that, try to remember me as nicer/better/handsomer/fatter than I actually was while we knew each other. This entire endeavor has felt like a blessing from God from the very beginning, and I’m proud and ecstatic to be able to share it with all of you. May God bless you and your pipe dreams as he has blessed the planning of mine. And please, feel free to pass this on or share it with anyone I may have missed, lost contact with, or just anyone in general who might find it of interest.

Love to all,
Dustin Charles Heveron

20 Questions (or less):
OK, so I’m sure you all have questions about the specifics of my journey, and why I’m going in the first place, what I want to do when I get out there, etc. As much as I want you all to feel free to ask me whatever you want to know, I thought I’d include a section that might answer some of the more obvious questions that I’ve already had to answer repeatedly. A “frequently asked questions” section, if you will. Now if only they had some kind of acronym for that…

1) So, what exactly do you want to do in the “entertainment industry” in LA?
Well, in the short term? Anything. Initially, I’m pretty much prepared to do whatever I have to in order to get the proverbial “foot in the door” and be able to pay whatever exorbitant rent I end up leased to in my first months there. Eventually, I’d like to be able to support myself exclusively from acting and writing, but as anyone with a modicum of experience in that field can tell you, that is a lofty and unlikely goal, statistically speaking. But then again, I never liked math that much, so why worry about it now?

2) Where will you live?
See above…I have nowhere to live yet, and no real prospects. I will update this as I get viable options.

3) How many days will it take you to get famous and be on TV and/or in movies? Will it be longer than three weeks?
Some self-conducted, incredibly informal research has revealed that it can take anywhere from two-to-five years just to get started at the very bottom rung of the ladder I’m trying to climb. And that’s if they let you on the ladder at all — it’s a pretty competitive playground, and the line for the slide is pretty long. It’s a known fact that 99.9% of all people (and 67.2% of all animals) in the Los Angeles area are wannabe actors, and most of them go their entire acting careers without ever having acting careers, so while I’m cautiously optimistic about my future as an entertainer, I’m not expecting anything right away, and neither should you. Even the dictionary definition I used for “pipe dream,” uses someone pursuing an acting career as the example sentence. That’s how synonymous “actor” and “least-likely to succeed” are. But rest assured, you will all be kept in the loop should anything noteworthy come my way, and I thank you in advance for your support. Unless we make some major breakthroughs in time-travel soon, in which case I won’t have to thank you in advance for your support, I’ll just travel to the future when you support me and thank you then, face-to-face.

4) I read legitimate journalistic publications like “E! News Weekly” and “Access Hollywood,” and I heard something about, like, a writer’s strike or something that could put everyone in Hollywood out of work or something. Won’t that negatively affect your ability to start an acting/writing career?
Well first of all, those are TV shows you listed, not publications, try proof-reading your material every once in awhile to catch your mistakes. Secondably, yes, there’s been talk of a giant writer’s strike for years…but ultimately, worrying about the potential problems of a proverbial “tomorrow” is no way to spend today, so if it happens, and if it effects me at all, I will deal with it then. And don’t watch so much Fox News, you’re getting paranoid.

5) What will you do if/when you don’t make it? Do you have a timeline or deadline to give up if things don’t work out? Will you move back to Ohio then?
I don’t currently foresee a time when I’ll want to give up this dream/goal of mine. Rather, I intend to always work towards this goal to some degree — even if I’m holding down another job (or nine other jobs) to pay bills, I’m always going to be auditioning, writing, and trying to pursue something in the entertainment/performance field. Your passion is who you are, and to give that up or try and remove it would be like trying to give up or tear out a part of yourself, and I don’t plan on doing that anytime soon. I will say that if it becomes exceedingly clear that I’m not meant to work in this field, or if I find something else that I’m just as passionate about, I will pursue that as fervently as this, but for now, I don’t see that happening. And as far as moving back to Ohio, I will say this: I love my family immensely — which is why I will call, write and visit as often as I’m able to — but I’ve lived in a lot of different geographical areas in the US of A, and California is by far my favorite. So even if I’m 65 years old, single and still waiting tables and auditioning in my spare time (a very real possibility, I should remind you), I would rather be doing it in Cali than anywhere else…and at least they don’t have winter. Now if this whole global warming thing starts to get fast and furious, I may reconsider cooler climates, but at this point it would take some kind of natural disaster (like an earthquake, or mudslides, or miles of raging fires or something) to get me to move…luckily, they don’t have those out there.

6) Look, it’s just you and me now, no one else has read this far, so you can level with me: you’re just doing all this because you want to be famous and have everyone laud and praise you, right?
Actually, no, believe it or not. For as admittedly vain, self-centered, narcissistic, etc. as I am; society’s definition/status of “famous” is something I am loath to deal with. I mean, obviously I’d like to be known and respected for doing quality work in the business, but I’m pursuing a career in something I have always loved doing — I’m not pursuing my face on a billboard and a nude beach shot of myself on the cover of The Inquirer. Just give me steady work, you can keep the fame.

7) I want to be constantly updated on your progress to a stalker-like degree. What’s the best way for me to memorize every detail of your life without texting you every 17 seconds and eventually causing you to block me from your phone?
After careful consideration, I have decided to get with the hottest craze of the late ‘90s and start a blog. You can find it at:
I can’t promise how often it will be updated, but I can assure you everything of interest I do will make it there at some point. Pre-move, I’ll use it to update people on my needs/wants/other-self-centered-focuses, and post-move, I’ll use it to keep people abreast of my progress in the industry, if there is any to report.

8) Don’t you have a pretty good job now, with a lot of opportunity for advancement, great perks, the potential for huge pay, company-paid travel, etc? Why in the would you give that up to wait tables— er, I mean, “be an actor,” in LA?
I once wrote a song with the lyrics, “I don’t care too much for money, ‘cause money can’t buy me love.” And those words say it all: even though I’m not some giant Hollywood hotshot (or any size of Hollywood hotshot, now that I think about it), I’ve done enough performing, acting, writing, singing, etc. to know that I love entertainment/performance more than anything else I’ve ever done. I tried the whole “real job” thing with the “cubicle” and the “future” and the “paycheck,” for over a year after I graduated. And as much as I am thankful for that time I had and the people I met (and the money wasn’t bad, either), all it really did was prove to me how much I wanted to give it all up and pursue my dreams instead. And if that’s not the essence of blind, ignorant youth and inexperience, I don’t know what is.

9) Dustin! I feel the need to inform you — a California native — of how expensive the cost of living is out there! I am the only person who knows this information and it is vital that you understand how impossible living out there will be unless you have, like, a trillion and a half dollars…do you have any idea what gas costs out there?! Are you a trillionaire?!
No, I’m not a trillionaire, and I appreciate your concern and consideration for my ability to sustain myself out there, but I have it on good authority ( that dozens — maybe even hundreds – of people live in California who aren’t lottery winners, oil tycoons, CEO’s and the like. I intend to be one of them. And while I admit that I am probably going to roll my eyes the first time I have to pay $83 for a burrito from Taco Bell, that’s just part of the sacrifice I’m willing to make. And besides, that’s why they have Del Taco out there, where prices are still what they were in the 1920’s. Three quesadillas for a nickel? Jackpot.

10) Why aren’t there exactly 20 questions like it said in the heading of this section?
That’s exactly why I added the “(or fewer)” part to the heading, but the number of questions in this section will increase or decrease based on how much I feel explaining things over and over and over again to people. If there’s a question you’re dying to see here, let me know. I’m only here to make you happy, after all.

11) Dustin, you’re looking really buff these days, have you been working out?
Yes, and thanks for noticing. I am incredibly attractive and not at all skinny. Think “Greek god” combined with Hulk Hogan (the good years), and that’s pretty much what I look like now. And it’s probably best if you just take my word for that, and don’t try to confirm it via facebook or myspace or in person or anything. I mean, would I lie to you? …Wink!