Who Cares About '08: Oct, Nov, Dec

In the thrilling conclusion of my year in review, we see what fascinating things took place in the final three months of 1908. Thrilling.

+1908 Year in Review, Part 4 of 4+
October:
5 – Bulgaria declares its independence from the Ottoman Empire; the Ottoman Empire says to a trusted advisor, “Oh, they’ll be back. Just you wait and see. A few days on their own and they’ll be begging me to take them back.”
14 – The Chicago Cubs win The World Series. After the win, Cubs’ manager and first-base coach Frank Chance is quoted at a press conference saying, “I think this is the start of many, many World Series’ wins for the Cubs — The Frank Chance Era of Greatness, if you will — and 100 years from now I think people are going to look back and say, ‘Wow, that Frank Chance really started something legendary. I’d love to run into him on the street and tell him exactly what I think of the path he started this Cubs’ franchise down.’ So to all Cubs fans past and present, let me just say ‘You’re welcome’ in advance and that we’re all gonna get exactly what we deserve. That’s the Frank Chance guarantee.”


Frank Chance says, "Only YOU can prevent National Championships for the Chicago Cubs." A slogan taken far too literally amongst Cubs' fans.


November:
3 – U.S. presidential election: Republican William Howard Taft defeats Democrat William Jennings Bryan, becoming the first and last set of presidential debates to promise “Willy on Willy action” to horrified-but-curious potential voters.
13 – Andrew Fisher becomes the fifth Prime Minister of Australia, having won the title in traditional Australian fashion: getting lowest in the Official Prime Minister Limbo Challenge.


This is the guy who won second place...congrats on being Vice Prime Minister of Australia!


December:
2 – Child Emperor Pu Yi ascends the Chinese throne at age 2 — immediately has an extramarital affair with an intern, starts supplying weapons to Darfur, and begins to irreversibly pollute the atmosphere around Beijing. Thus the phrase “The Terrible Twos” is coined.
17 – The Converse Rubber Shoe Company is formed in Malden, Massachusetts. The company’s slogan “Progress? What progress? Our shoes are just fine the way they are and we’ll NEVER change them. So there,” turns out to be shockingly accurate.
25 – In a press conference, Jesus Christ is quoted as saying, “Eh, this Santa Claus guy is pretty new to the scene, but I’m not really worried about him. A little competition is healthy, but people would have to be downright idiotic to believe in him over me. What, are people going to replace the ‘Christ’ in Christmas with an ‘X’ or something? Don’t be ridiculous, give people a little credit for being smart enough to know the difference between a ludicrous child’s story and the savior of all mankind.”
31 – A pair of New Year’s Eve partygoers comment to each other, “Oh thank God this will be the last year for those ridiculously tacky 1909 glasses where the 9’s are the eyes. Now we’ll never have to see those eyesores again.”
“Well, there’s still the 2000’s, they could use the 0’s” replied the friend.
“True, but by then I’m sure all the imbeciles who fancy those things will have long since been removed from the gene pool due to their stupidity.”
“Ah yes, I’m sure you’re right. Now let’s party like it’s 1909!”


Sir Elton John says, "I don't see anything tacky about those New Year's Eve glasses at all!!" So there you go.


That's it for now, let's march bravely forward into the new year...and be sure to tune in next year for a review of 1909! It's promises to be...outdated.

God bless,
Dustin

Who Cares About '08: July, Aug, Sept

Part 3 of 4 in my look back at the year that was 1908. The year 2008? That's so yesterday. 1908 is the new black.

1908 Year in Review:
July:
1 – “Damn, I’m late for work” is yelled approximately 75,374,081 times at various housewives around the nation, as if it was their fault. In an unrelated story, 75,374,081 housewives mysteriously developed a headache late that night, right about the time their spouses attempted to initiate coitus.
3 –Major Ahmed Niyazi, with 200 followers, begins an open revolution by defecting from the 3rd Army Corps in Macedonia, decamping into the hill country. The “Niyazi’s” as they were known, would spend the rest of their campaign futilely explaining to people across the globe how they were “different and totally unaffiliated with those douchebags from Germany.”
4 – Fireworks Store senses danger, hops into a nearby telephone booth, removes glasses, and emerges as Fireworks Superstore.
6 – Robert Peary sets sail for the North Pole, only to find “Freddie wuz here” written all over it in sharpie.


The North Pole: Cool weather, cheap haircuts.



August:
24 – After an intense power struggle, Sultan Abd al-Aziz IV of Morocco is deposed, and is succeeded by his brother Abd al-Hafiz. Onlookers knew the battle was over once the elder brother finally got his sibling in a headlock and administered the “Royal Noogie of Deposition.”


This is actually a preferable alternative to the "Political Revolution Wedgie" often used in South America.


September:
8 – The Danish minister of Justice, Peter Adler Alberti, is revealed to be an embezzler — but only after Shaggy and Fred made their incorrect guesses as to who The Embezzler was beforehand.
17 – In Ft. Myer, Virginia, Thomas Selfridge becomes the first person to die in an airplane crash. Thomas would exact his revenge on the pilot, Orville Wright, by forever cursing all who flew to sit through the monotonously boring “stewardesses’ safety brochure speech” before they were allowed to take off.
27 – Henry Ford produces his first Model T automobile. Moments later, Ford invents the first pair of fuzzy dice.


Henry & Mrs. Ford at the first and last themed Christmas party they'd be invited to.


Not bored yet? Then come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to the best of 1908! It'll be more fun than the bubonic plague!

Much love,
Dustin

Who Cares About '08: April, May, June

!Hõla niños! Back with another installment of the año in review...but decided that since 2008 was lame, I'm gonna turn my insightful eye back on the year 1908, recapping all the important things that happened in that epic year. Enjoy.

+The 1908 Year in Review+
April:
20 – Sunshine Train Disaster: Two trains collide in Melbourne, Australia, killing 44 and injuring 400. A massive candlelight vigil is held to remember the victims, but quickly evolves into Australia’s second largest barbeque.
21 – Frederick Cook claims to have reached the North Pole on this date. He then claims to have invented the internet; a tactic that would later be copied by many other lame middle-aged men looking to give their life some meaning.
24 – The seventh deadliest tornado in US history strikes the towns of Pine, Louisiana and Purvis, Mississippi, killing 143 people and injuring 770. But the real controversy would be how the tornado was ranked sixth in the Coaches’ and AP polls, leading the nation to once again question the accuracy of the current ranking systems and instead demand an eight-tornado playoff at the end of the season.


The seventh-ranked tornado, just prior to claiming it should be ranked sixth, and that it wanted to take on USC in the Rose Bowl.



May:
10 – Mother’s Day is observed for the first time at Andrew’s Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia. Prior to that, the congregation’s mothers were only acknowledged during the annual “Maybe My Mom’s a Witch” Potluck/Barbeque.
28 – Ian Fleming, author of the famed James Bond series is born in England. His British nanny is instructed that the child is to be shaken, not stirred.


Even at a young age, Fleming wastes no time in developing his famous fictitious spy character. This is right before he shot the recess monitor with his 9mm pistol.


June:
Everybody just took a big o’l nap, on account of how “powerful warm” it was. Several women in and around the Alabama/Georgia/Louisiana areas publicly declared to be suffering from “the vapors.” Their collective self-diagnosis was later proven by a team of neurosurgeons to just to be a “lame attempt at flirting with that Johnson boy” who lives “down the road a spell.”


This man won both best and worst dressed of 1908. He also might be a young Colonel Sanders.



Ok, I'm off to dreamland, another three months in review to come tomorrow. Be there! ...Or don't be there. Those are pretty much your two main options.

Ciao,
Dustin

Who Cares About '08 : Jan, Feb, & Mar

Salutations, world!

As you may have surmised, I have been busy something fierce the past few weeks, but it’s ok because I’m here now with the obligatory “Year in Review” article that all bloggers/families/missionaries/inmates are required to write. SO you’re wondering, what all happened in ’08 that was worth remembering? Fret no longer, true believers, I’m here to tell you about each and every discovery/accomplishment of note that took place in ’08. Let the reviewing begin!

…Oh, there’s just one minor thing to note…since 2008 has already been year-in-reviewed up the wazoo, I thought I’d put a little tweak on things and do my year-in-review on the year 1908. I’m sure it’s just as relevant.

January 1908:
1 – A ball signifying New Year’s Day drops in NYC’s Times Square for the first time. Killing 19 people and injuring several others. In future years, a light-up sign of the current year would be put at the base of the ball to avoid a repeat massacre.
12 – The first long distance radio message is sent from the Eiffel Tower. The radio message encourages the recipients to “stick around” for Bob & Tom in the Morning Zoo,” and assured them that France would be “right back with the best hits from the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and today.” The transmission is followed by 94 minutes of nonstop mortgage refinancing commercials.
13 – A fire at Rhoads Opera House in Boyertown, Pennsylvania, kills 170 people. The tragedy is a catalyst for stricter fire safety laws nationwide; specifically the now-famous “Don’t Start Fires in Opera Houses” Law of Pennsylvania.
21 – New York City passes the Sullivan Ordinance, making it illegal for women to smoke in public. However the law also cites an exception for women who are only “smokin’ hot.”



I'm sorry miss, but you're under arrest, you're gonna have to come with me. ...What's that? What do you mean you have your own handcuffs and you don't need mine? ...I didn't realize pink and fuzzy was police issue 'round these parts.


February:
1 – King Carlos I and Infate Luis Filipe are shot dead in Lisbon, deeply damaging Lisbon’s newly-instated “Come to Lisbon, You Won’t Get Shot! Especially if You’re a Foreign Dignitary!” Tourism campaign.
11 – Australia regains The Ashes (a hotly sought-after trophy) with a 308-run cricket victory over England. That victory becomes the last thing Australia would do better than England for the next 100 years.
12 – The first “Around the World Car Race” begins. Followed closely by the first “Around the Slow Driver in the Fast Lane Middle Finger.”
18 – Japanese immigration to the USA is officially forbidden — this law is quickly lifted once US officials realize that Speed Racer is only a cartoon, and poses no real threat aside from early-onset epilepsy.


Go Speed Racer, Go! ...No, really, go...you're not allowed in America anymore.


March:
4 – The Collinwood Schools Fire, near Cleveland, Ohio, kills 174 people: 150 students; 23 teachers, faculty and staff; and “that creepy guy in the van by the playground.”
27 – The first overseas Boy Scout troop is formed in Gibraltar, giving new meaning to the phrase “mounting the rock of Gibraltar" and creating the first-ever merit badge for Fortress Construction & Fortification.


Hell of a commute to scout meetings, but easily the safest troop meeting spot in the world.


Ok gang, that's it for now, be sure to check back tomorrow for another season's worth of updates from the year that was 1908! I know I will!

Cheers,
Dustin

Mobile Blog: I Need to Join AA...

well, it's official: after the morning I had today, I can tell you without a doubt that I need to join AA.

that is, American Airlines' official fan club! because let me tell you how much they rock! for starters, their planes are guaranteed to fly some of your luggage to where you need to go, just as soon as they can get around to it. do you need them to fly you somewhere? well chum, today is your lucky day, because if you need flown someplace, AA will send two planes to fly you! the first one to show you how special you are to them as a client by having it show up 40 minutes after your scheduled departure time, then they'll ship that plane off for "maintenence." and just as soon as you can say "I paid $500 for this?", they'll have your second plane there, lickety split, barely an hour after the first one left! what service! and are you tired of not paying fifteen US dollars to check your bags? well fret no more, friend, because AA has that covered, too! every time you want to pay $15 for AA to lose your bags, they will! count on it! how about seats so small that Gary Coleman wouldn't be able to fit? no worries there, 'cause the second you plop down on that plush 1/8 inch of cushioning that covers every single barely-reclining AA chair, you won't feel like you're in America, you'll feel like you're in the magical land of Oz, and it's your turn to be the mayor of Munchkinland! hope you brought your lollipop guild!

don't pinch yourself, you're not dreaming, your just flying American Airlines: everything purgatory was desinged to be and more!

also, I need to join Alcoholics Anonymous. Merry Christmas Eve.

Mucho holiday love,
Dustin

Mobile Blog: Live from the 405 (That Wasn't Meant to Rhyme)

I had a really great idea the other day. And like most of my great ideas, it turned out to be someone else's idea that I intend to take full credit for. Dennis and Kate Hodges recently had a son named Darren, and when Kate went into labor, she started blogging about it from her iPhone, with pictures and everything (that's less gross than it sounds). I believe her labor process took about 9 hours or so. Since that's about the same amount of time I spend on the 405 in any given day, I thought I would follow Kate and Dennis' lead. So I got a girl pregnant and now I'm being sued for something involving the large jars of military-grade chlorophorm in my garage. No but really, I'm gonna start spicing up my blog life with mobile blogs! Like this one! Hooray!

Ok, traffic wasn't bad enough today, so now I'm already at work and it's time to slam some Chipotle before I head in.

Cheers,
Dustin

Netflix VS. Blockbuster Online

I was going to write a blog this afternoon before work. But before I started, I was gonna sign up for netflix real quick just so I could get a couple movies sent that I've been meaning to see.

Hours later, my blockbuser online queue is at 348 moves.

Whoops.

Cheers,
Dustin


California: Even our cloudy days are beautiful. These were the last clouds I've seen since August.

Scott Bakula No Longer Hoards the Word "Quantum"

In what experts and critics around the globe are referring to as “Friday,” the hype for this season’s biggest British Secret Agent action/drama finally culminates into an explosion of Michael-Bay-esque proportions. Tomorrow/today (we need to find a better word for that part of the night where it’s technically the next morning, but you haven’t gone to sleep yet and don’t plan to for awhile, so it feels odd to refer to it as “today” when you plan on taking a 7-9 hour nap before beginning the rest of your “today.” Somebody work on that word and get back to me) marks the release of the only James Bond sequel I’ve ever cared about: Quantum of Solace. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Bond franchise, it’s the canon of movies that started out as an elaborate series of practical jokes that Sean Connery was playing on the rest of the world; then during the 70’s transformed into something fun to watch while on acid (but really, what wasn’t in the 70s?); then in the 90’s became the basis for a very popular video game for the N64 that let you act out a day in the life of Pierce Brosnan; and then in the modern era, became the final resting place of Halle Berry’s esteemed acting career. However, this franchise’s fall into mediocrity angered the god of Bullets, Cars and Explosions: Daniel Craig, and he saw fit to step down from his throne high atop Mount Aston-Martin and personally create a miracle that would set the bar for all other action movies of the time. This blessing not-so in disguise (grossing almost $600 million dollars worldwide) was called Casino Royale. And it was very good. But just as God saw fit to give us the New Testament after he saw how well the Old Testament was selling overseas and on dvd, so too has Daniel Craig decided to bless us with another 120 minutes of his soulful blue eyes looking unflinchingly into the camera whilst babes and buildings buckle in the background (albeit for very different reasons). May the world rejoice. My only complaints with this movie are that I can’t see the 12:01 showing with Bond-incarnate and former roommate, Nick Caruso (shaken, not stirred); and that I can’t join the British Secret Service because Mi6 only accepts applicants who have “British citizenship,” whatever the hell that means. Oh well.

In other news, I’m considering spending large amounts of money that I don’t have on some things that I don’t need — rather than save it or spend it on things I do need (food, rent, gas, Christmas presents for my family, etc.). These purchases include (in this order):
+a PS3
+a new guitar
+a new iPhone
+a new digital camera
+a new shaver
…and probably other things that I don’t need, but have forgotten what they are for the moment — I’ll likely remember what these things are the next time TV tells me.

Now here’s a quick breakdown of why I need these things I don’t need, and feel free to hook a brother up with any advice on how to acquire them. Or if you’d prefer to just write me a check for some or all of the money I’d need to buy these things, that’s cool too.

=PS3: I gave up my PS2 (along with my PS1, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, 3DO, Atari, my chessboard and my television) when I left Ohio for LA in order to remove the unnecessary distraction from my life so I could focus on rebuilding myself out here and finding a job and whatnot. But that was almost a year ago, and I miss having superheroes beat the crap out of each other for my entertainment. It’s time for a relapse.

=New guitar: I’ve been pretty well-behaved as far as not buying a new guitar whenever the whim struck me, but my uncle and I were talking music last time we were hanging out, and he recently purchased the exact kind of guitar I was looking to own. His buddy at a local Palm Springs music store might even be able to get me a deal. Good stuff.

=New iPhone: I like the way the white ones look. Real shiny.

=New digital camera: This one’s been a long time in the making, since I’ve had my old digital camera since back before they invented color photography. Also it would be nice to have something with a slightly higher megapixel count (mostly because whenever I say “megapixel” it makes me think of some sort of spandex-clad superheroine. And superheroes kick ass. And the female ones tend to be really hot).

=New shaver: I just need to man up and get something more top of the line — anyone who shaves as rarely as I do shouldn’t have to put more than a couple minutes into it, and I can no longer tolerate a shaver that’s just trying to sandbag me all the time.

Ok, time for me to go and get some of that sleep everyone keeps talking about. Keep hope alive.

Cheers,
Dustin


If looks could kill...although I imagine he'll stick mainly to using bullets to kill in the new movie. Either way, it's gonna be a hell of a body count.

Apparently “Scampi” Translates into “Massive Headache”

This time of year brings about a special holiday that holds a very special place in my heart. It’s an occasion that I love to share with family, friends and loved ones. It’s the one holiday we can all rally behind regardless of race, gender or creed. I am speaking, of course, about Endless Shrimp Fest, available only at Red Lobster. I arrived at the local Red Lobster with my two roommates in tow (both forced to participate against their will to some degree). Upon entering the fine dining seafood establishment, we were informed that there would be a 25 minute wait. But in the spirit of Endless Shrimp Fest, I was able to perform an ESF miracle and get us a table mere moments after we’d put our name on the list. We sat down at our table at approximately 7:10pm, PST. At 8:44pm, the three of us had consumed 318 various varieties of shrimp, three fully-loaded baked potatoes, two salads, and three baskets of garlic cheese rolls. Somehow we did this without anyone puking or having to go to the ER. For those of you keeping score at home, the individual breakdown was as follows:

Aaron — 101 shrimp, one loaded baked potato, one salad, several garlic-cheese rolls
Jason — 102 shrimp, one loaded baked potato, several garlic-cheese rolls
Dustin — 115 shrimp, one loaded baked potato, one salad (with bleu cheese dressing), one side of rice pilaf, several garlic-cheese rolls

There are equal parts pride and shame that sweep over you after performing such a feat of stomach-expanding magnitude. I’m particularly proud of myself for locking down the MVP award for the night’s activities, but the roomies should get honorable mention for really digging deep and coming through when it counted most. You learn a lot about yourself after consuming 115 lemon-butter soaked shellfish. Maybe a little too much about yourself. Personal, esoteric discoveries aside, I also discovered that shrimp scampi start to give you a wicked headache right around number 65. A headache that won’t go away for three hours (and counting). But it’s so worth it…when you get in that zone — the “Shrimper’s High” as I like to call it — all you can do is focus your energy on the next batch of hand-breaded shrimp and the accompanying cocktail sauce. On the upside, I believe that because of this event, I now have the power to breathe underwater indefinitely. So that’s a bonus.

I wrote and recorded a new song today on my Mac. About halfway through this process I realized that the song I was writing and recording was actually a very famous Beatles song. This didn’t stop me from finishing the recording, just in the same way it won’t stop me from taking credit for writing the song on the off chance I can find someone to play it for who’s never heard of The Beatles.

On the hard-drugs front, I’m watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas right now, and I’m not sure how I feel about the movie in general, aside from it confirms my belief that I would not enjoy doing drugs of any sort. I’ll stick to classy self-medication like doing shots of Nyquil in the bathroom of my local CVS. I’m kidding, Mom (because I know you read this and take everything too literally for my own good).

Happy shrimping,
Dustin

P.S. I will pay ten American dollars to anyone who can give me a legitimate reason why the world needs a "Best of Hilary Duff" album. There's an extra five euros in it for you if you can tell me how it must make her feel to have already accomplished the "best" of her life's work by age 21. And does that work include anything from her days as Lizzie McGuire? Methinks not.

A Ton of Hotties Live in Tiny, Rural Kansas Cities

I’m celebrating Obama’s overwhelming presidential victory in the same way I celebrate all political victories: doing my laundry and watching Smallville on dvd while eating Thai food. I don’t make fun of America’s lame traditions (voting, persecuting minorities), so don’t make fun of mine.

So nevermind why, but earlier today I was googling Jonathon Taylor Thomas (of Home Improvement and Lion King fame) and as I was doing so, I accidentally typed his first name as Jonathor. Obviously this was a typo, but it did open my eyes to an awesome name for my firstborn son. Jonathor sounds like it could be something from a Greek war story or something. I definitely think that it’s the kind of name that will help my son gain acceptance from the world, and definitely not the kind of name that will perpetually get his ass kicked by his peers from ages 4-27. This name joins the list of baby names I’ve compiled over the years that include (but aren’t limited to) Dustin Jr., Li’l Dustin, The Human Torch, Barack, Lion-O, Dustin 3 (pronounced Dustin Three, not Dustin the Third), Dustin III (pronounced Dustin the Third), Dustin-Dustin, and DJ Dizzy D-Town with D1 Steak Sauce. I’m sure my future wife won’t mind any of those boy-names, especially since I’m giving her my permission to name all of our girls Sally Jesse Raphael.

-The Recession is in Session-
Experts agree that we’re in some sort of something called a “recession.” My vocabulary is pretty much to limited to swear words, double entendres and the phrase “that’s what she said,” so I thought I’d break down this new word for everyone so that we can all learn together.

The word recession is obviously made up of two words: recess and ingression.
>Recess, meaning to go and play on the playground for about 15 minutes and throw rocks at girls while simultaneously trying to avoid being infected by their cootees.
>Ingression, meaning when a planet moves into the next sign of the zodiac, coinciding with changes in moods and spheres. Unless of course you’re not a new-age, crystal-loving nutjob, in which case this word doesn’t exist. For all you non-nutjobs out there, we’ll just say that this word means “s’mores.”

Given these definitions, we can infer that the word recession means 15 minutes of s’mores. That was easy to figure out, but what I can’t figure out is why all these financial people and business folks are so worked up about getting an extra 15 minutes of s’mores. Oh well, I guess some mysteries weren’t meant to be solved.

-Fantasy Updates-
League 1: The Left Coast Losers took another one on the chin this week, dropping to 3-6 on the season, but Rivers is back from his bye week, so hopefully we’re back on track.

League 2: With six of my twelve players on bye this week (poor planning on my part), The Los Angeles Larcenists still have empty slots at QB and RB that need to be filled before Sunday. Here’s hoping the waiver wire is kind to me on Thursday so I can improve my 6-3 record.

League 3: Frodo’s Frozen Brogurt is stuck at 2-6-1, but we’re at full strength and we’re ready to pounce upon Matt Fullen’s team Megatron.

Ok team, I’ve got laundry-folding and Cavs-cheering to do (tip off at 5pm, PST). Catch you on the flip side, as the cool kids say.

Cheers,
Dustin
I don't care much for candy, but I still got plenty of sugar this Halloween...wink.